I saw this and wanted to share it. It's a hard road that we go through being the Mommy of an Angel Baby. Here are 20 things we wish for...
_________________________________
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.
12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby’s body and face. My baby was real person – and he was alive.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren’t interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Aruba or Bust
We finally have our trip booked! Well, kind of booked. M and I have been wanting to plan a trip - somewhere warm and tropical. You know, somewhere where we can turn off the phones and emails so we don't have to think about anything that's not relaxing and stress free related? We were talking and feel like we deserve a nice break from reality - especially after everything that has been going on lately. A vacation is just what we need and it would be good for us. We're combining it too as a 1 year anniversary trip. We are heading out to Aruba at the end of October. 2 other couples are joining us and I cannot wait to go! We've heard amazing things about the island and are looking forward to all the fun and exciting experiences it has to offer.
I was reading about things to do out there and I am mostly looking forward to SNUBA. It's a cross between scuba diving and snorkeling. You don't have to be certified, which is a plus. They take you out to a reef and you snorkel, but you are attached to a 20-30 foot oxygen hose, so you can swim down and get a closer look at everything. Note to self: Get an underwater camera.
Aruba, here we come!!! 7 days in Paradise is going to be Ahhhhh-mazing!
I was reading about things to do out there and I am mostly looking forward to SNUBA. It's a cross between scuba diving and snorkeling. You don't have to be certified, which is a plus. They take you out to a reef and you snorkel, but you are attached to a 20-30 foot oxygen hose, so you can swim down and get a closer look at everything. Note to self: Get an underwater camera.
Aruba, here we come!!! 7 days in Paradise is going to be Ahhhhh-mazing!
The Waiting Game
I feel like all life consists of these days is to hurry up and wait. Not only for this whole TTC thing, but it's the same with work, relationships, everything. Right now, we wait for a BFP - hopefully sooner than later. I waited to get pregnant... I waited to have the u/s appointment... I waited for a heartbeat... I waited to hear if everything was OK with the baby... I waited for my D&C... I waited to stop crying and for the hurt to stop... I waited for AF to show... I waited til we could start trying again... Now... I wait... Just to start the waiting game all over again.
Now that we've somewhat jumped on the baby making train, it has calmed my nerves a bit (but I am still waiting). I do, again, feel like I can really move forward with this entire process. I know I say that about everything, but I do believe with each "step" that I am waiting for, it heals my heart a little more. It's still hard to see people announcing pregnancies, I'm not going to lie... It stings - but with each sting it gets easier and easier to cope with and my husband is always reminding me that it will soon be my turn. I am so happy to have him as my support and my rock.
Since AF showed her ugly face August 7th, we haven't been trying, but we haven't been preventing either. Well, I shouldn't say that we're not trying, because in the end we are. It's just hard to put the bold print on it since I am not temping or charting or keeping any sort of track for when I ovulate. I know AF will be all over the place and inconsistent for a few months, so we have decided to do what we do best and see what happens. I know once I am on a regular cycle, this whole "trying" thing will be a lot easier to pin-point. As for right now, we're just going with the flow and we're going to see what happens.
I guess technically, right now, I am waiting in the 2 week window to see what happens. I'm not sure when I will test... I don't know what a good time to test will be since AF will be irregular for a bit, but I guess this is me trying as hard as I can to be patient and stress free. Maybe if I keep telling myself this, I'll believe it eventually. These are what the Dr.'s orders were, so I'm listening and trying to stay as sane as I possibly can.
Now that we've somewhat jumped on the baby making train, it has calmed my nerves a bit (but I am still waiting). I do, again, feel like I can really move forward with this entire process. I know I say that about everything, but I do believe with each "step" that I am waiting for, it heals my heart a little more. It's still hard to see people announcing pregnancies, I'm not going to lie... It stings - but with each sting it gets easier and easier to cope with and my husband is always reminding me that it will soon be my turn. I am so happy to have him as my support and my rock.
Since AF showed her ugly face August 7th, we haven't been trying, but we haven't been preventing either. Well, I shouldn't say that we're not trying, because in the end we are. It's just hard to put the bold print on it since I am not temping or charting or keeping any sort of track for when I ovulate. I know AF will be all over the place and inconsistent for a few months, so we have decided to do what we do best and see what happens. I know once I am on a regular cycle, this whole "trying" thing will be a lot easier to pin-point. As for right now, we're just going with the flow and we're going to see what happens.
I guess technically, right now, I am waiting in the 2 week window to see what happens. I'm not sure when I will test... I don't know what a good time to test will be since AF will be irregular for a bit, but I guess this is me trying as hard as I can to be patient and stress free. Maybe if I keep telling myself this, I'll believe it eventually. These are what the Dr.'s orders were, so I'm listening and trying to stay as sane as I possibly can.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Let's Get This Show on the Road
As you all may know (from my previous post) my "friend" came. I was so excited, because I felt as if I could put my loss behind me and we could start to move forward in trying for our take home baby. Like I've said before, there is nothing we want more. Well, AF came and went and though I am not sure when I ovulate, we are just going to try this the old fashion way - no charts, no temperatures, no kits, just FUN! I am thinking that if I were on my "normal" 28 day cycle I will be close to O-ing tomorrow (ish). Let's cross our fingers and see what happens. Although I am trying not to stress about it, I have a mix of emotions. I am so excited for the potential of a baby, I'm scared to be pregnant, I'm anxious to get this baby making show on the road... It's just so much to think about and so much to look forward to. I'm ready though. Now I can say that I am 110% ready for this. All the ups and downs, in and outs - I'm ready. I will keep everyone posted and can't wait to see what the future holds. It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions, but I know in the end everything is worth it.
While I am waiting for my + test of happiness, I will embrace and treasure the time with our family and friends - enjoy life and try to be as stress free and laid back as I can be.
While I am waiting for my + test of happiness, I will embrace and treasure the time with our family and friends - enjoy life and try to be as stress free and laid back as I can be.
Friday, August 12, 2011
My Love. My Life. My Everything.
My husband just texted me "I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you." He's so sweet and it got me thinking how lucky I am and what a wonderful man I have the honor of being married to.
Every time I hear these songs, they remind me of my husband. He makes me a better person and he is always there for me. Despite everything we have been through (good, bad, happy, sad and ugly), I know we can do anything as long as we are together. He is my rock, he gives me hope, makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me realize that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him by my side FOREVER. He is and always will be my love, my life and my everything.
Here are a few I wanted to share, off the top of my head. There are many more, but this is a great start.
Train - "Marry Me"
Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Calliat - "Lucky"
Michael Buble' - "Everything"
Otis Redding - "These Arms of Mine"
Dave Matthews Band - "You and Me"
Every time I hear these songs, they remind me of my husband. He makes me a better person and he is always there for me. Despite everything we have been through (good, bad, happy, sad and ugly), I know we can do anything as long as we are together. He is my rock, he gives me hope, makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me realize that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him by my side FOREVER. He is and always will be my love, my life and my everything.
Here are a few I wanted to share, off the top of my head. There are many more, but this is a great start.
Train - "Marry Me"
Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Calliat - "Lucky"
Michael Buble' - "Everything"
Dave Matthews Band - "You and Me"
I'll Chug to That
Last night I went out to dinner with 3 of my best friends for a ladies night.... A much needed ladies night. We try and get together as much as we can, which is always nice. There's a great Mexican restaurant by all of our houses. They have an amazing rooftop bar, with live music and delicious margaritas. What better way to spend some time catching up and gossiping.
We had just received our 1st round of margaritas. There was a table next to us of about 15 people, ranging in all different ages. Us ladies are in a great conversation, laughing when all of sudden we hear this loud rumble coming from the large party. Everyone at the table (and a couple tables around them) start cheering and clapping and they all start hugging each other. I see a couple gift bags being passed to a younger woman (early 30's). This woman starts getting hugs and congratulations from everyone. I overheard some of the people talking at the table expressing how happy they were that this woman and her husband were expecting. I looked at the mommy to be and she was holding up a baby book... At that point all I could do was smile a small smile and say, "Yay..." That's all that could come out (along with an eye roll)... "Yay..." I could feel the look on my face and the snarl that I was showing. I asked my friends if they had heard what that was all about. Because I have the greatest friends in the world, they all heard and they all knew what I was thinking. We all looked at each other (they know what M and I had been going through with the loss of our angel) grabbed our margaritas and chugged what we had left. It was an unspoken way of saying "we know what you're thinking, we're so sorry, but it's going to be OK. We're here for you no matter what and we love you."
I wasn't mad or upset... It was one of those feelings I can't really put into words. It was unsettling, shocking and just my luck - go figure, but deep down I was happy for her and her family... I was OK and at peace with it. I know I have said this before, but I know it will be my turn. It's just funny that, out of the 28 years that I have been alive NOW was when I had to witness this...? I felt it was God's way of saying that you are strong, you have an amazing support system and everything is going to work out.
We had just received our 1st round of margaritas. There was a table next to us of about 15 people, ranging in all different ages. Us ladies are in a great conversation, laughing when all of sudden we hear this loud rumble coming from the large party. Everyone at the table (and a couple tables around them) start cheering and clapping and they all start hugging each other. I see a couple gift bags being passed to a younger woman (early 30's). This woman starts getting hugs and congratulations from everyone. I overheard some of the people talking at the table expressing how happy they were that this woman and her husband were expecting. I looked at the mommy to be and she was holding up a baby book... At that point all I could do was smile a small smile and say, "Yay..." That's all that could come out (along with an eye roll)... "Yay..." I could feel the look on my face and the snarl that I was showing. I asked my friends if they had heard what that was all about. Because I have the greatest friends in the world, they all heard and they all knew what I was thinking. We all looked at each other (they know what M and I had been going through with the loss of our angel) grabbed our margaritas and chugged what we had left. It was an unspoken way of saying "we know what you're thinking, we're so sorry, but it's going to be OK. We're here for you no matter what and we love you."
I wasn't mad or upset... It was one of those feelings I can't really put into words. It was unsettling, shocking and just my luck - go figure, but deep down I was happy for her and her family... I was OK and at peace with it. I know I have said this before, but I know it will be my turn. It's just funny that, out of the 28 years that I have been alive NOW was when I had to witness this...? I felt it was God's way of saying that you are strong, you have an amazing support system and everything is going to work out.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
I am super pumped that AF decided to show her face! This is awesome! Who would have thought I'd be so excited?! She came Sunday and left yesterday. Too bad it wasn't always like this. I know I will be off for a couple months, but hopefully some happiness comes to us before she gets on track. A girl can hope!
I have thought about charting and temping and all that other good stuff, but I may just see what happens in the next few months before I try all of that. I may not be all about it because I just don't get it and it seems very confusing to me. Oh well, I may be asking some of my "bumpy friends" for help. For now, I have decided that I am going to NOT stress, not obsess and just enjoy. Those were my doctor's orders, so let's see what happens.
Cheers to a happy week!!
I have thought about charting and temping and all that other good stuff, but I may just see what happens in the next few months before I try all of that. I may not be all about it because I just don't get it and it seems very confusing to me. Oh well, I may be asking some of my "bumpy friends" for help. For now, I have decided that I am going to NOT stress, not obsess and just enjoy. Those were my doctor's orders, so let's see what happens.
Cheers to a happy week!!
The Story of Our Angel Baby
Well... I have been trying to put this off just cause I feel I will go on and on and on about it and I'll have to relive the trauma and sadness all over again - but maybe if I go ahead, type it out and get it all out, it'll be a lot easier for me. They say writing is therapy for some, so heck... Why not give it a shot? Here is a little insight of the past few months.
So, I have been on birth control for a while and my husband and I had decided that we were going to try for a baby. My husband has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship (I'll save this for another day), but we wanted to expand our family and start having babies of our own. There is nothing more that I have ever wanted in my life, then to become a mom, be pregnant and have my own little munchkins. It's just a passion that I cannot describe. When M (that's my husband) said "let's give it a shot." I jumped on the idea so fast, I don't even think he had a chance to finish his thought. Here's a short (I'll try) insight on the journey to our sweet angel baby...
Beginning of March - After my first AF came post pill, we started trying for our first little one. I didn't temp or chart anything. We just decided we were going to "not try, but not prevent." There was no stress on the situation and we were just having fun, like what the doctor said.
April 15th - My "friend" came to see me for the 2nd time post pill. I was sad, mad or happy. I was content and figured when the time is right, God will give us our baby.
May 19th - We had our 1st positive pregnancy test!! We were so excited! M (my husband) said that as soon as I take the test I had to sit it down and were going to look at it together. As soon as the time was up, M went and got the test, we looked at it together and saw 2 lines!!! At that moment in time, my world stopped... "WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!" I was so happy, excited, shocked, thrilled, nervous... It was a flood of emotions (all for the best) running through my body. The feeling was amazing.
June 4th - I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps. I went to the bathroom and there was a gush of bright red blood in the toilet. It was so shocking and devastating to me when I saw this. (Side Note: At this point we hadn't told too many people, but some did know.) At that minute, I woke up my husband hysterically crying and told him that I thought we miscarried. He held me and told me that everything was going to be alright. I was inconsolable at this point. We called the on-call nurse and they had a mid-wife call us back. She said that if we go through a pad, or more, an hour to go to the ER. Other than that, take it easy and rest. This was all on a Saturday, so there wasn't much we could do at this point but to wait it out. I was going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to see if I was bleeding... Nothing. There was some mild spotting, but it quit by Sunday - late morning, early afternoon. I was completely convinced that I lost the baby. I texted my best friend and she came right over without saying anything. She showed up at my door (with a pretty awesome ballon - half deflated, but she knew it would make me smile), She showed up without me asking, because she knows me and she knows that if she asked if there was anything I needed, I would have told her "nothing." This is what best friends are for. They are there for you when you need them most - and this she was. She sat and talked with me, for a few hours, and no matter what she can always make things better. M called my mom and told her the news and I texted my best friend. My mom was very upset as this was her 1st grand baby and this was not the way she wanted to find out we were expecting. My mom came over, sat, cried and talked with me. She was being so wonderful and just telling me all the right things to make me feel better.
June 6th - We went to the doctor to have her confirm the miscarriage. They told me "It's nothing you did or anything you ate. It wasn't the glasses of wine you had. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!" They kept reassuring me of this. They gave me an u/s to see what all was going on. To our surprise we still had a g/s and a yolk!! At this point we thanked God and were so relieved. She measured and said we were about 5w5d. They told us to be optimistically cautious and that we weren't out of the woods yet. They were going to keep a close eye on me and our little one. The u/s tech said she wanted us back in a week.
June 14th - This was my mom's birthday, so she knew we were going to get great news. After waiting 2.5 hours in the waiting room, because they lost my paperwork, I was finally called back. That past week was the longest and most nerve racking - this was not helping the situation. They say to stay away from stress, but given the situation - it's a lot easier said than done. So, with our game faces on we went into the u/s room to see if our little bambino had grown. We looked at the screen and I could feel my heart jump into my throat. There it was, on the u/s screen... Our little angel's thumper!!! I completely lost it! M grabbed my hand and the u/s tech said "we have a heartbeat." She continued to tell us that she still wants to keep an eye on us. They like to see growing babies and if it's a healthy pregnancy - they baby will grow. I remember asking her if it was a healthy heartbeat and she said "any sort of cardiac movement is a good sign." She measured our little one and he (she) was measuring at 6w1d. Again, they told us to come back in a week to see how the baby's progressing.
June24th - We waiting a little over a week, because they were pretty booked with appointment. I was supposed to be 7w5d. It was a Friday and I remember thinking that it was going to be a good day. Fridays are always great days, right? Well, they're supposed to be... I remember I left work, got in the car, put my hand on my stomach and said, "OK, sweet baby... Mommy and Daddy are really excited to see you today, so let's make sure you have a real strong heartbeat to show us. I love you and can't wait to see you." I drove to the doctor's office rubbing my stomach the entire way. When I got there, my husband met me in the waiting room and they called me back. We had the u/s and it seemed like forever until the tech spoke. She finally said, "It doesn't look like we have a heartbeat... I'm so sorry." I was only measuring 6w2d. I guess the little one knew it was its Nana's birthday and was holding on until then. I bursted into tears, but for some reason it felt like it was all going to be OK... This roller coaster of emotions was going to have an end. The rest of the appointment was a blur. I remember getting dressed and going to talk to one of the doctor's in the practice. Everything he was saying sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown, where you had no idea what she was saying... I do remember him asking if I wanted to have a natural miscarriage or a D&C. I told him a D&C, because it was going to be way to traumatic and painful the other way. We then scheduled our appointment for our D&C that following Tuesday.
June 28th - It was very hard the past few days to know that there was a baby in there with no heartbeat and no growth. My angel had passed and it was still inside me. We had the D&C and I thought I was doing pretty well until the nurses brought me through the doors to prep me for surgery. The surgery and everything went well and as soon as I woke up, I felt like I had closure. It was a sense of release... It's hard to explain, but I was at peace with everything and I (we) could only move forward.
Looking back, I should have seen the signs. My last period was April 15th, my 1st BFP on May 19th and went to the doctor on June 3rd and was 5 weeks... The dates just never seemed to add up. I think back that I should have been more cautious, I shouldn't have told so many people (it sucks having to un -tell), I should have not complained of being tired, hungry, etc... There are tons of "I should have's..." This next time I am embracing every single bite of food, every nap, every craving, every sickness and smell. All the things that come along with pregnancy, I fully embrace!!! (I'm probably going to kick myself in the ass for this one.)
I know everything happens for a reason and the baby didn't grow because something was wrong... I understand that and I have heard it over and over. As much as you hear it, it doesn't sink in. That's still my first baby and my first pregnancy. The only thing that heals is time and knowing that God will give us a baby when he wants us to have one. This is one thing that is up to him and not up to us. We will have ours in time and one day it will be my turn to get pregnant. I am sure that I will soon have my take home baby and I will spoil and love that little angel just as much as I did this one.
"As Long As I Live You Will Live, As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered, As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved..."
So, I have been on birth control for a while and my husband and I had decided that we were going to try for a baby. My husband has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship (I'll save this for another day), but we wanted to expand our family and start having babies of our own. There is nothing more that I have ever wanted in my life, then to become a mom, be pregnant and have my own little munchkins. It's just a passion that I cannot describe. When M (that's my husband) said "let's give it a shot." I jumped on the idea so fast, I don't even think he had a chance to finish his thought. Here's a short (I'll try) insight on the journey to our sweet angel baby...
Beginning of March - After my first AF came post pill, we started trying for our first little one. I didn't temp or chart anything. We just decided we were going to "not try, but not prevent." There was no stress on the situation and we were just having fun, like what the doctor said.
April 15th - My "friend" came to see me for the 2nd time post pill. I was sad, mad or happy. I was content and figured when the time is right, God will give us our baby.
May 19th - We had our 1st positive pregnancy test!! We were so excited! M (my husband) said that as soon as I take the test I had to sit it down and were going to look at it together. As soon as the time was up, M went and got the test, we looked at it together and saw 2 lines!!! At that moment in time, my world stopped... "WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!" I was so happy, excited, shocked, thrilled, nervous... It was a flood of emotions (all for the best) running through my body. The feeling was amazing.
June 4th - I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps. I went to the bathroom and there was a gush of bright red blood in the toilet. It was so shocking and devastating to me when I saw this. (Side Note: At this point we hadn't told too many people, but some did know.) At that minute, I woke up my husband hysterically crying and told him that I thought we miscarried. He held me and told me that everything was going to be alright. I was inconsolable at this point. We called the on-call nurse and they had a mid-wife call us back. She said that if we go through a pad, or more, an hour to go to the ER. Other than that, take it easy and rest. This was all on a Saturday, so there wasn't much we could do at this point but to wait it out. I was going to the bathroom every 30 minutes to see if I was bleeding... Nothing. There was some mild spotting, but it quit by Sunday - late morning, early afternoon. I was completely convinced that I lost the baby. I texted my best friend and she came right over without saying anything. She showed up at my door (with a pretty awesome ballon - half deflated, but she knew it would make me smile), She showed up without me asking, because she knows me and she knows that if she asked if there was anything I needed, I would have told her "nothing." This is what best friends are for. They are there for you when you need them most - and this she was. She sat and talked with me, for a few hours, and no matter what she can always make things better. M called my mom and told her the news and I texted my best friend. My mom was very upset as this was her 1st grand baby and this was not the way she wanted to find out we were expecting. My mom came over, sat, cried and talked with me. She was being so wonderful and just telling me all the right things to make me feel better.
June 6th - We went to the doctor to have her confirm the miscarriage. They told me "It's nothing you did or anything you ate. It wasn't the glasses of wine you had. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!" They kept reassuring me of this. They gave me an u/s to see what all was going on. To our surprise we still had a g/s and a yolk!! At this point we thanked God and were so relieved. She measured and said we were about 5w5d. They told us to be optimistically cautious and that we weren't out of the woods yet. They were going to keep a close eye on me and our little one. The u/s tech said she wanted us back in a week.
June 14th - This was my mom's birthday, so she knew we were going to get great news. After waiting 2.5 hours in the waiting room, because they lost my paperwork, I was finally called back. That past week was the longest and most nerve racking - this was not helping the situation. They say to stay away from stress, but given the situation - it's a lot easier said than done. So, with our game faces on we went into the u/s room to see if our little bambino had grown. We looked at the screen and I could feel my heart jump into my throat. There it was, on the u/s screen... Our little angel's thumper!!! I completely lost it! M grabbed my hand and the u/s tech said "we have a heartbeat." She continued to tell us that she still wants to keep an eye on us. They like to see growing babies and if it's a healthy pregnancy - they baby will grow. I remember asking her if it was a healthy heartbeat and she said "any sort of cardiac movement is a good sign." She measured our little one and he (she) was measuring at 6w1d. Again, they told us to come back in a week to see how the baby's progressing.
June24th - We waiting a little over a week, because they were pretty booked with appointment. I was supposed to be 7w5d. It was a Friday and I remember thinking that it was going to be a good day. Fridays are always great days, right? Well, they're supposed to be... I remember I left work, got in the car, put my hand on my stomach and said, "OK, sweet baby... Mommy and Daddy are really excited to see you today, so let's make sure you have a real strong heartbeat to show us. I love you and can't wait to see you." I drove to the doctor's office rubbing my stomach the entire way. When I got there, my husband met me in the waiting room and they called me back. We had the u/s and it seemed like forever until the tech spoke. She finally said, "It doesn't look like we have a heartbeat... I'm so sorry." I was only measuring 6w2d. I guess the little one knew it was its Nana's birthday and was holding on until then. I bursted into tears, but for some reason it felt like it was all going to be OK... This roller coaster of emotions was going to have an end. The rest of the appointment was a blur. I remember getting dressed and going to talk to one of the doctor's in the practice. Everything he was saying sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown, where you had no idea what she was saying... I do remember him asking if I wanted to have a natural miscarriage or a D&C. I told him a D&C, because it was going to be way to traumatic and painful the other way. We then scheduled our appointment for our D&C that following Tuesday.
June 28th - It was very hard the past few days to know that there was a baby in there with no heartbeat and no growth. My angel had passed and it was still inside me. We had the D&C and I thought I was doing pretty well until the nurses brought me through the doors to prep me for surgery. The surgery and everything went well and as soon as I woke up, I felt like I had closure. It was a sense of release... It's hard to explain, but I was at peace with everything and I (we) could only move forward.
Looking back, I should have seen the signs. My last period was April 15th, my 1st BFP on May 19th and went to the doctor on June 3rd and was 5 weeks... The dates just never seemed to add up. I think back that I should have been more cautious, I shouldn't have told so many people (it sucks having to un -tell), I should have not complained of being tired, hungry, etc... There are tons of "I should have's..." This next time I am embracing every single bite of food, every nap, every craving, every sickness and smell. All the things that come along with pregnancy, I fully embrace!!! (I'm probably going to kick myself in the ass for this one.)
I know everything happens for a reason and the baby didn't grow because something was wrong... I understand that and I have heard it over and over. As much as you hear it, it doesn't sink in. That's still my first baby and my first pregnancy. The only thing that heals is time and knowing that God will give us a baby when he wants us to have one. This is one thing that is up to him and not up to us. We will have ours in time and one day it will be my turn to get pregnant. I am sure that I will soon have my take home baby and I will spoil and love that little angel just as much as I did this one.
"As Long As I Live You Will Live, As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered, As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved..."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
There is no Such Thing as Bad Art
I've never been much of a writer, much less someone who is into expressing my inner feelings and thoughts, but sometimes I get on these rants of things I can and want to write about, so I felt it necessary to start a blog.
I was inspired by a best friend of mine who is big in the blog world. I read hers from time to time and all of her posts and pictures are like they are straight out of a magazine. It's hard to compete with a masterpiece like that. To myself, I think - I would love to start blogging and starting these "virtual memories," but there is NO WAY that my posts are going to sound or look anything like hers.
I would love to write as much as I can, as frequently as I can, so in the future I can look back and the words will take me back to where I was on that particular day in the particular time in my life. I have come to realize that writing is an art and I was told that there is never any bad art, so with that said, my blogging adventures begin! Stay tuned for some inspiration.
I was going to only try and blog about one thing in general, but then I realized that not everything is the same everyday. I have changed my mind and as days pass, adventures change - as will my posts. Some days will be pictures, other days will be words, I'll post videos, sayings, quotes, etc... It just depends on the mood that day and we all know how frequently that changes, being a woman!
I was inspired by a best friend of mine who is big in the blog world. I read hers from time to time and all of her posts and pictures are like they are straight out of a magazine. It's hard to compete with a masterpiece like that. To myself, I think - I would love to start blogging and starting these "virtual memories," but there is NO WAY that my posts are going to sound or look anything like hers.
I would love to write as much as I can, as frequently as I can, so in the future I can look back and the words will take me back to where I was on that particular day in the particular time in my life. I have come to realize that writing is an art and I was told that there is never any bad art, so with that said, my blogging adventures begin! Stay tuned for some inspiration.
I was going to only try and blog about one thing in general, but then I realized that not everything is the same everyday. I have changed my mind and as days pass, adventures change - as will my posts. Some days will be pictures, other days will be words, I'll post videos, sayings, quotes, etc... It just depends on the mood that day and we all know how frequently that changes, being a woman!
"The Best Parenting Advice I Never Got"
I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work and they were discussing this article about parenting advice. I found it extremely "helpful" and wanted to share it with everyone. I know that one day when Matt and I have our babies, this advice will be sure to come in handy. It was written by JD Roberto and published on The Huffington Post.
___________________________________
I got a lot of parenting advice before my first child came into the world. I think people feel obligated to bestow their wisdom on expecting parents and, overall, I guess that's a good thing. Still, the advice I got - though well meaning and thoughtful - was almost entirely useless once the actual odyssey of being a dad began. Phrases like "life changing" and "wonderful adventure" came up repeatedly, but no one bothered to tell me I should go see a movie. These days, going to a movie involves two weeks of planning and forty bucks worth of babysitter -- and that's before you pay fourteen bucks for a ticket and six bucks for some Twizzlers.
Sleep was high on the recommendation list. "Get as much sleep as you can!" is what they tell you, but that particular pearl of wisdom seems entirely backward to me. What you should really be doing is training yourself to function on less sleep or sleep that is frequently interrupted. I guess you could try to stockpile sleep but, trust me, when you're up all night with a sick four month old, knowing you got a solid nine hours back in June doesn't help.
A few times, kindly grandparents summed up their parenting philosophy with something along the lines of, "Just shower 'em with love!" It's a heartwarming sentiment but I have yet to figure out how an exhausted parent is supposed to apply such sage counsel when his two-year-old is howling, spread eagle in the grocery store because he won't buy a pair of Elmo shaped oven mitts.
The most common phrase I heard in the run up to parenthood was the seemingly benign, "It's a tough job but it's all worth it." This is both true and diabolically misleading at the same time. Something about "it's all worth it" suggests a proposition where some small majority of the time things will be blissful. "Yes," you're led to believe, "it's going to be tough forty-nine percent of the time, but don't worry because the other fifty-one percent it is great." Guess what, it's not. The ratio is frequently twenty percent enjoyable to eighty percent aggravating. Some days clock in at fifty-four percent bearable with thirty-five percent maddening rounded out by a dash of bewildering. I've been through entire weeks of eighty-seven percent exasperating, and experienced good-night cuddles that are one hundred percent ecstasy. It's not balanced, it's bipolar. It's worth it not because it's easy as often as it's difficult, but because the perfect moments are so overwhelmingly sublime, you somehow forget the maniacal pajama tantrum you endured the night before.
If I could go back and give myself some more practical advice it would look something like this:
1. When they nap, you nap. Don't send emails, don't catch up on work. Nap.
2. Travel with your children when they are very young. At six months old it's just as easy to keep them entertained in Cozumel as it is in Cleveland. You might as well get a tan out of the deal.
3. Buy a rechargeable, cordless hand vacuum. Your floors and cars will thank you.
4. It's perfectly acceptable to make an entire dinner in the microwave.
5. In every parent-child relationship someone has to be the grown up. Try to make sure that someone is you. A two-year-old has the right to act like a child, you do not.
6. Take everyone who volunteers to babysit up on the offer. Repeatedly.
7. Buy everything you can second-hand.
8. Make time for the other relationships in your life -- seeing you in the role of good friend or devoted spouse teaches your kids way more than a Baby Einstein marathon.
9. There's no such thing as using too many wipes.
10. There will be times when you're sure you are a terrible parent and, secretly, wonder why you ever had kids in the first place. This is normal. Forgive yourself these occasional moments of self-doubt and, from time to time, let yourself mourn your life pre-parenthood. Then have a healthy glass of wine, get some sleep and get back to work. After all, as you've no doubt heard, it's a tough job, but it's all worth it.
Oh, and go see a movie while you still can.
___________________________________
I got a lot of parenting advice before my first child came into the world. I think people feel obligated to bestow their wisdom on expecting parents and, overall, I guess that's a good thing. Still, the advice I got - though well meaning and thoughtful - was almost entirely useless once the actual odyssey of being a dad began. Phrases like "life changing" and "wonderful adventure" came up repeatedly, but no one bothered to tell me I should go see a movie. These days, going to a movie involves two weeks of planning and forty bucks worth of babysitter -- and that's before you pay fourteen bucks for a ticket and six bucks for some Twizzlers.
Sleep was high on the recommendation list. "Get as much sleep as you can!" is what they tell you, but that particular pearl of wisdom seems entirely backward to me. What you should really be doing is training yourself to function on less sleep or sleep that is frequently interrupted. I guess you could try to stockpile sleep but, trust me, when you're up all night with a sick four month old, knowing you got a solid nine hours back in June doesn't help.
A few times, kindly grandparents summed up their parenting philosophy with something along the lines of, "Just shower 'em with love!" It's a heartwarming sentiment but I have yet to figure out how an exhausted parent is supposed to apply such sage counsel when his two-year-old is howling, spread eagle in the grocery store because he won't buy a pair of Elmo shaped oven mitts.
The most common phrase I heard in the run up to parenthood was the seemingly benign, "It's a tough job but it's all worth it." This is both true and diabolically misleading at the same time. Something about "it's all worth it" suggests a proposition where some small majority of the time things will be blissful. "Yes," you're led to believe, "it's going to be tough forty-nine percent of the time, but don't worry because the other fifty-one percent it is great." Guess what, it's not. The ratio is frequently twenty percent enjoyable to eighty percent aggravating. Some days clock in at fifty-four percent bearable with thirty-five percent maddening rounded out by a dash of bewildering. I've been through entire weeks of eighty-seven percent exasperating, and experienced good-night cuddles that are one hundred percent ecstasy. It's not balanced, it's bipolar. It's worth it not because it's easy as often as it's difficult, but because the perfect moments are so overwhelmingly sublime, you somehow forget the maniacal pajama tantrum you endured the night before.
If I could go back and give myself some more practical advice it would look something like this:
1. When they nap, you nap. Don't send emails, don't catch up on work. Nap.
2. Travel with your children when they are very young. At six months old it's just as easy to keep them entertained in Cozumel as it is in Cleveland. You might as well get a tan out of the deal.
3. Buy a rechargeable, cordless hand vacuum. Your floors and cars will thank you.
4. It's perfectly acceptable to make an entire dinner in the microwave.
5. In every parent-child relationship someone has to be the grown up. Try to make sure that someone is you. A two-year-old has the right to act like a child, you do not.
6. Take everyone who volunteers to babysit up on the offer. Repeatedly.
7. Buy everything you can second-hand.
8. Make time for the other relationships in your life -- seeing you in the role of good friend or devoted spouse teaches your kids way more than a Baby Einstein marathon.
9. There's no such thing as using too many wipes.
10. There will be times when you're sure you are a terrible parent and, secretly, wonder why you ever had kids in the first place. This is normal. Forgive yourself these occasional moments of self-doubt and, from time to time, let yourself mourn your life pre-parenthood. Then have a healthy glass of wine, get some sleep and get back to work. After all, as you've no doubt heard, it's a tough job, but it's all worth it.
Oh, and go see a movie while you still can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)